As I posted before, we went through the IVF process. I gave myself several injections over about a 4 or so week period of time. It continued to be fairly easy to do, well for the most part. It was hard in some ways too. It got very old very fast. I had to give myself injections in the stomach, not as bad as it sounds, but not exactly fun either. I never want to have diabetes...I can tell you that for sure. Also just as I posted, once we got to a certain part of the process I had to go back every 2 or 3 days for more sonograms to measure the size of my egg follicles in my ovaries. And once the doctor said I looked good, we scheduled the egg retrieval.
So in we went, bright and early one Tuesday morning in October. I think we had to be there at like 5am or 4:30 or something crazy early. Ira and Judy went with us too since none of us knew how I'd be feeling afterwards (my first time with anesthesia...). They prepped me, put an IV in my arm and wheeled me down the hall. Once down the hall I had to walk into the OR on my own. They had me lay down on the table in there and the anesthesiologist told me that I would fall asleep quickly. I did. I don't remember anything after him saying that. So, during this procedure they used a big needle to remove eggs from my ovaries. Hence the need to be unconscious...
They had told us ahead of time that the hope is always to get about 10 eggs, and during the procedure they cannot tell how many eggs they are getting--since they're microscopic. Well, next thing I knew I was back in the room I started in, with my family looking at me from the chairs across the room. The doctor came right in and told us we had 16 eggs!! We were so surprised!
After an hour of recovery they set me free. We headed home after stopping for breakfast (bad idea...) and after throwing up said breakfast I went to bed for the rest of the day. I spent the next couple of days pretty sore and not feeling good at all. The second day Tres realized it was probably because of the pain medication that I was still feeling so rotten so he told me to stop taking it and just to take Tylenol. Turns out he was right. Even though the Tylenol didn't take away the pain quite as good, I definitely felt better over all. After about 3 days, Ira and Judy went home since I felt normal again (they'd been doing all of Tres' care) and we waited for the phone call from the doctor to return for the transplant of the embryo's. Out of those 16 eggs they were able to fertilize 14 of them and 13 of those 14 started to divide cells and grow. It's a totally crazy process, and they keep you very updated through the whole thing.
Before going home the embryologist came in to see us to tell us that it looked like 5 or 6 of the remaining embryo's looked very strong and looked like they would be able to be frozen for future use. We left very hopeful and so anxious for the 2 week wait ahead until the pregnancy test.
1 or 2 days after the implantation we received a devastating phone call. None of the remaining embryo's were candidates for being frozen. NONE of them. We had 11 left, 5 or 6 of which were looking strong just the day before. No one had ever prepared us for the fact that we might not have any to freeze. It was only during that phone call that we found out that only about 40% of the time couples have embryo's to freeze. No one had ever told us that before. The assumption was always that we'd have some. It was a very hard blow. Sure, we had two inside of me which we were so hopeful for, but our hope for our "back up plan" or future children was dashed just like that.
2 weeks later I went for a blood test to test for pregnancy. I went early in the morning. And then began the longest day of our lives. Tres came home early from work so I wouldn't be alone all day. I bet you're wondering why I just didn't take an at home test. The doctor had told me that I could if I wanted to, but that it's so early on that an at home test isn't always accurate. He encouraged me just to do the blood test since it's way more accurate. Finally, later in the afternoon we go the phone call we were waiting for. The test was POSITIVE! We were pregnant! We called our immediate family members, and let the select group of friends know who had been praying. We were just beside ourselves.
One of the things that happened during the previous two weeks though was that the entire church found out what was going on. It was innocent, and an unintentional share, but it happened. So although we had the whole church praying and very excited, it was way more people than I wanted knowing at the time.
The next thing that happened on the day we found out that we were pregnant was that it was shared on Facebook. Again, innocent, but not what I would have preferred. But by the time I saw it on there it was too late and I wasn't about to ask them to take down their post.
Of course the Facebook posts were pouring in. Congratulations and excitement. Which is all we were feeling.
That week I had to continue to go back for blood tests. And just 3 days after finding out we were pregnant we got another dreaded phone call. This time from the doctor himself....never a good sign. My numbers weren't rising the way they were supposed to. In fact, he said he was positive that it was what is called a "chemical pregnancy". A chemical pregnancy is when you are in fact pregnant, there is an embryo in there, but something is wrong. It's not implanted correctly or whatever. But he told me to stop all medications that I was taking and to expect to lose the pregnancy. This was totally devastating. Not only because I was going to lose what I had longed for - for as long as I could remember, but all of a sudden I knew we had a bazillion people to tell. Which just made it so much worse. In the moment we didn't tell anyone and we prayed for a miracle. That the pregnancy would start to do what it was supposed to. That was on a Friday.
Sunday morning we were just about to head out the door to go to church, and it happened...we lost the pregnancy.
I so badly wanted to stay home, but I couldn't. I was leading worship that morning and couldn't get anyone to fill in for me so last minute.
I went to rehearsal that morning, unable to say anything to anyone. I knew if I opened my mouth to talk to anyone that I'd just burst into tears and wouldn't be able to pull myself back together. I knew I had to just make it through church and then I could go home and cry all I wanted.
I made it through rehearsal, and when Tres came in for church he took one look at me and said we were going home after the worship set. I'm sure I looked awful.
But first...we had to update the church. Tres had asked me as we were driving to church what I wanted to do about that. Because it had been so public, we had to share the update. I told him that I couldn't decide (obviously) but that he should talk to Greg (our pastor and friend) and the two of them decide if it was appropriate and if so that Tres would be the one to share. So he talked to Greg and they agreed that the church needed to be told, again, just because it had been so public up until then. So after the worship set was over, Tres and I stood up there with Greg while Tres updated the congregation. And then we couldn't get out of there fast enough...
The first day or so was very hard, and then it started to get a little easier. I had ups and downs of course, but I was eager to move on. But I was wisely told by my grandfather to make sure that I allowed all of the grieving process to do it's thing. So I did. And continue to do so to this day, I might add, thanks solely to his very wise advice. I am so thankful for his advice. I've handled this so differently than I would have otherwise. Tres told me that we would move forward with whatever the next step was only when I was ready. He was leaving the driving of that car up to me.
Even before we were married we had considered adoption. As an engaged couple we even attended an adoption conference to gain information and see our options.
So, not too long after, I started looking up adoption agencies. I found a foster agency which a few of our friends have fostered and adopted through and saw that they had a training coming right up in which you could take all the classes you needed to take in just 2 Saturdays! Instead of 6-8 weeks of 3 nights a week, which is the norm.
So we did that, and we did the mountains of paperwork required to be licensed as foster parents. And I'm happy to tell you that as of this moment we are licensed foster parents. Well...we're waiting for the official phone call, but according to them we've completed everything we need to complete. Which is so exciting.
So basically we're just waiting for a phone call now for a baby...it could be this week, or it could take a few months. It could also happen in the middle of the night, so you basically have to be ready to go. Ready to make it through at least your first night. So we are ready!
I will tell you, it's very strange getting ready for a baby that you don't know when it's coming. You don't know how old it will be, or when it will arrive. You don't know the gender (though you wouldn't necessarily know that anyway) but it's all very strange. Regardless though, we're as ready as we can be until we actually get the baby.
And as for continuing healing from this whole ordeal? It's a process. Someone else who went through a miscarriage told me that you never know when it's going to hit. I have found that to be so true. One day I can be perfectly fine and the next incredibly sad. But most of the time I'm totally fine. And am I ready to embark on taking care of a little foster baby in hopes of adopting them? Oh yes, I'm ready for a baby. Am I ready for the risk of loosing them too? No. But who is? Tres and I have evaluated this all at great length, my readiness and our options and we both agree that the timing is right. And we're just praying for God's grace and goodness. That He will give His favor upon this process, at least the first time through. That we might get a baby quickly, who also will be available for adoption quickly. We have to trust in Him. Not only do we not have another choice but who else would we want to put our trust in? Certainly not in ourselves. This is so out of our control.
So, we eagerly are awaiting a phone call for a baby.
And all the while we're praying for a "Sarai-sized miracle" as Tres puts it. God's in control. Anything can happen.
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